The laws of mourning: Designed to depress?
It’s not bad enough that I lost my father? It’s not enough that I’m showing respect to his memory by hopping on a subway headed in the opposite direction from my office in order to pray at a synagogue that has a minyan and say kaddish for him? I’m also supposed to refrain from listening to music and going to concerts, movies, the theater, simchas/s’machot (joyous events, such as weddings), and parties for an entire year? The laws of mourning seem to prohibit just about any activity that could help a mourner cheer up, as if to ensure that he/she remains in a prolonged state of depression.
A good friend recently asked me why, in recent years, I’ve insisted on observing details of halachah/Jewish religious law that really upset me. Good question. I may have reservations about Conservative Judaism, but Orthodoxy isn’t necessarily the answer for me. Yes, Orthodox Judaism provides a consistent structure to one’s life, but it’s also unkind to gays and agunot. Is this really the way I want to live?
posted by Shira Salamone at 12:40 PM
26 Comments:
From my Blog and Account name, you can infer what I think.
But, on the other hand, this is the last time you will be obligated (if you so choose) to complete a year of Avelut.
The customs of mourning should be a comfort to the mourner, as it is written "the dead do not praise HaShem." That is, they do not participate in life, and kabbalistic shtuyot aside, do not derive benefit from your affliction.
I would say do what brings you comfort. But if part of what gives you comfort is the approval of people who hold by a program you're not on board for . . . well that's a choice too.
Indeed, Reform BT, the customs of mourning are supposed to be a comfort to the mourner, but they don't seem to work that way for me. For one thing, the comforting effect of saying kaddish has gotten lost in the transportation. For another, my father's already been ”pre-mourned”, as my brother put--for all practical purposes, Dad's been as good as gone for years
" . . . if part of what gives you comfort is the approval of people who hold by a program you're not on board for . . . well that's a choice too."
True. I must admit that I would probably not have chosen to obey so many mitzvot were I not employed by an organization under Orthodox auspices and/or if I had not begun this blog. Peer pressure is very effective. But it's high time I really considered what aspects of Jewish observance are important for *me.*
I don't think that the customs of mourning are solely about comforting the mourner. The customs of attending to a mourner are about comfort, but the customs of the mourner are about the reverse - they are about the mourner experiencing and publicly displaying affliction over the loss.
I think that the mourning practices of the 11 months of Avelut are intended to provide an opportunity for introspection and re-evaluation. By interrupting the usual habits and prohibiting distracting behavior, it encourages the mourner to re-evaluate habits, life choices, and patterns.
Rejewvenator, I guess I've been experiencing the loss for years, so I can't help feeling that my official mourning period is too much and too late.
In my mind, the question is who is "judging" or determining if you are doing it right. In this case, it means mourning the loss of your father, and right seems to mean according to Orthodox standards. I certainly don't mean to discourage you from joining a minyan to recite Kaddish for your father, but if you are observing other customs that you don't believe are helpful, or at least believe HaShem desires of you, then why bother. Observing those customs because some group of Jews, who you aren't even sure you want to be part of, expects it of members of their group seems, well, silly.
"Observing those customs because some group of Jews, who you aren't even sure you want to be part of, expects it of members of their group seems, well, silly."
Kathy, point taken. I'm trying to decide how to proceed from here. I may simply conclude that saying kaddish is enough.
For those of you who may be wondering why I'm even crankier that my usual kvetching/complaining self, you can blame it on my employer's Human Resources Department. Until recently, all we had to do to prove our attendance was sign a sheet of paper indicating our presence or absence. Now, we're on an online time-clock and must enter our exact time in and time out. Fortunately, at least we don't have to punch out and in for lunch. Unfortunately, the automatic 1-hr. lunch eliminates my former procedure of compensating for arriving late by shortening or skipping my lunch hour and eating at my desk. So instead of coming home from my kaddish minyan and dropping off my tallit and tefillin, then sitting at the computer for half an hour or so and backing up files or paying bills,I must now drop off my tallit and tefillin, pack my morning hard-boiled egg and leave. Bottom line: Since I can't do a bleeping thing after morning minyan except go to work, not only am I getting up at least 45 mins. earlier than usual to go to minyan, but I'm also getting to bed at least 1/2 hr. later, since I have to do everything at night. So I crankier than usual because I'm chronically sleep-deprived and exhausted. That's why I now have a cold for the second time in 3 months. :( 'Scuse me while I take my sniffling self to bed.
I think you need to look at your approach. If you want to be Orthodox, move to an Orthodox neighborhood and join an Orthodox Shul. If you want to be egalitarian observant, stop worrying about what Orthodox people you don't know would think if you asked them.
Forgive my confusion, but can't you find a Minyan close to work if you are saying Kaddish? Instead of running around like a lunatic, find a conveniently located minyan. If it's not your Hashkafic cup of tea, who cares. If you are worried about Tallis and Tefillin, contact that Rav of the minyan (or organizer), and ask if there is a problem for you to join his minyan and don Tallis/Tefilin behind the mechitzah, as is your custom.
Miami Al, maybe I just haven't done enough research, but it seems to me that most morning minyanim in NY take place at 7 or 7:30 AM. I have enough trouble getting to my current minyan at that hour. Getting to a 7 AM minyan that's an hour away, instead of half an hour away, is not something I'm likely to be able to manage.
Update: I checked the Internet for synagogues that are reasonably close to my office. Only two seem to meet that description, and just barely, as neither is really within easy walking distance. One's morning minyan is at 6:50 AM, and the other's is at 6:45 AM. Clearly, neither is an option for me.
"If you want to be Orthodox, move to an Orthodox neighborhood and join an Orthodox Shul. If you want to be egalitarian observant, stop worrying about what Orthodox people you don't know would think if you asked them."
Point taken. There's a third option, though, which is to be egalitarian observant in a neighborhood with enough Orthodox Jews that I'll have kosher food stores and restaurants within walking distance. Stay tuned.
Shira,
Sorry, I forgot that there are no later minyamim in NYC. There are enough people that work from home here that there are later ones as well... I guess if you work from home you don't live in high tax, expensive housing NYC...
Check for Chabad re: Minyanim, and check for Jewish schools, though hit or miss if an Orthodox one has a Mechitzah or has the women elsewhere.
It's funny, because when someone moves down from NYC pregnant, they call a Bris for like 7:30 AM and have a low turnout... they are always shocked that people call their Bris for 9 AM here and have a full house... y'all seem to live to work up there... :)
9 AM lets everyone get their kids to school then circle back for the Bris. :)
Shira,
No question it is useful to be near a critical mass of Orthodox Jews if you want Kosher restaurants. However, that doesn't require you to become one of them, just live near them.
You still don't need to care about their opinion of your religiosity.
" . . . y'all seem to live to work up there... :)"
Yeah, more's the pity.
" . . . doesn't require you to become one of them, just live near them.
You still don't need to care about their opinion of your religiosity."
I suppose the answer is simply to accept the likelihood that I'll *always* be "between denominations"--relatively observant for a Conservative Jew but not willing to become observant enough to be Orthodox. Oh, well. I didn't call my blog "On the Fringe" for nothin'.
Shira,
It's all in your head. You're not "not observant enough" to be Orthodox, you're plenty observant. You're more observant than plenty of Orthodox Jews I know. However, they live in an Orthodox neighborhood, affiliate with an Orthodoxy Shul, etc. Some work from home Saturdays, some go out to bars/clubs Friday night after the kids are in bed, plenty eat out dairy, some eat out everything.
However, they choose to live in an Orthodox community and accept the gender roles of Orthodoxy.
You're pretty observant for a Jew, period. However, egalitarianism is very important for you. The best "fit" would be a mixed C/LWMO neighborhood, giving you more Shomer Shabbat people even though your primary Shul would be the Conservative one. The problem is, those communities are very well off financially, and price you out.
Again, this is all in your head. Do you know actual Orthodox people that "won't eat in your house" but you would like to have over? Or do a bunch of morons in the blogosphere rambling get you all twisted up.
You will never be comfortable in your religious observance if you continue to look to the Internet for Jewish community. You can talk on your blog, but you need to do what you think is right.
Does Miami Al and I agreeing call for a shehechiyanu?
"You're more observant than plenty of Orthodox Jews I know."
Maybe I just overestimated the commitment of Orthodox synagogue members, or maybe I'm just an ideological purist (at least in theory), as has recently been pointed out to me, but I always figured that one had to *be* Ortho to *affiliate* Ortho. I've come to understand, though, that not every member of an Orthodox shul is completely observant.
"The best "fit" would be a mixed C/LWMO neighborhood, giving you more Shomer Shabbat people even though your primary Shul would be the Conservative one."
You're probably right.
"The problem is, those communities are very well off financially, and price you out."
Yes, we've noticed that. That's probably one of the reasons why my husband is in no hurry to move, although, clearly, we'll have to get out of our current neighborhood within the next few years.
Reform BT wants to know, "Does Miami Al and I agreeing call for a shehechiyanu?"
Not sure, but it's worth a smile(y), at least. :)
I will say, I think Miami Al is underestimating the level of observance of the orthodox, even in LWMO communities. Perhaps where he lives, I don't know, but I don't know anyone who considers themselves orthodox who is not at a minimum, shomer shabbat. I konw folks who will eat dairy out, yes, but not treif meat. I know people who don't daven 3x a day, but not a one who would work on shabbat. I don't even know people who would leave a tv on and passively watch.
not trying to start a fight, but I think Al is overstating the laxity among the orthodox.
Don't worry, JDub, I'm not about to consider myself Orthodox unless and until I stop traveling on Shabbat. I'm inclined to agree that being Shomer Shabbat (Sabbath observant) is a minimal requirement for being considered Orthodox. As for the rest, I've seen the leeway with my own eyes--I've been with Orthodox Jews eating in non-kosher restaurants, though their choices were generally beverages, salads, ice cream or the like.
For the record, the only problem I have with Sh'mirat Shabbat (Sabbath observance) is that it can create serious difficulties for the elderly, ill, and/or disabled. Let's just say that, when a Jew who has mobility problems pushes the elevator button on Shabbat, I won't notice. And when a Jew with health problems brings money for taking a taxi ride home from the hospital, a cell phone, and/or medications to shul on Shabbat, I won't notice. A friend of mine with a serious disability brings a turned-off cell phone with her to synagogue on the Sabbath in case of emergency. That's a reasonable approach.
jdub,
I have never surveyed level of observance, don't really care to. I know that I have friends on the left AND right of me, and friends that are more AND less observant.
Shira would not be out of place on an Orthodox neighborhood, but she'd be out of place amongst the core of the community.
BTW: I don't presume more laxity amongst the LWMO. I think that the LWMO are less judgmental of the non-fully observant, so the not-fully observant are comfortable in LWMO neighborhoods.
I have friends who are Orthodox affiliated and less observant than Shira, doesn't mean we aren't friends, we can't spend a Shabbat/Yom Tov Seudah together, etc. And they don't spend a lot of time agonizing over their denominational affiliation.
I'm not saying that I'd nominate Shira for frummest of the year, but I would put her well within the realm of acceptably observant to be socially Orthodox.
". . . I think that the LWMO are less judgmental of the non-fully observant, so the not-fully observant are comfortable in LWMO neighborhoods."
A left-wing Modern Orthodox neighborhood would certainly suit me better that a more right-wing one, whether or not I choose to become Orthodox--I'd probably get less flack for being either not-fully or non-Orthodox in such a nabe.
. . . I'm not saying that I'd nominate Shira for frummest of the year, but I would put her well within the realm of acceptably observant to be socially Orthodox."
That's good to know, Miami Al. But I'm still not sure that's the way I want to go. There's still the gender-role issue. I'm not quite ready to toss in the towel on egalitarianism. I consider leading services a privilege, and would certainly be sorry to have to take a pass on leading Kedushah for the rest of my life.
Shira,
But my point with the LWMO neighborhood is, who is sitting around judging? I have more RW friends that will decline invitations from some of my more LW friends, but they'll often invite those LW friends over.
It's not an all or nothing thing, that's my point. If you were to live in a LWMO neighborhood, you'd be able to make friends that keep Shabbat. If you hopped on a bus/subway to go to a Conservative Shul for services, that's between you and Gd. I'm not telling you to do it, I'm saying that I'm not seeing a lot of judging.
I have friends that are quasi-observant who grew up going to a nearby Conservative Shul. We went to the Bris as their family's synagogue there, it was filled with people from the Orthodox Shul, where they attend.
On the Jewish blogosphere, you get all these dumb discussions, since the site is dedicated to these dumb discussions. In the real world, people spend time with their friends, not sitting around judging people. When you get into Orthodox organizations like the one you work at, you get the same stupidity, not because it's normative Jewish practice, but because people don't have anything else going on in their life.
And when my non-observant friends come over on a Yuntif, they don't bring cooked food, and if they bring something like a wine bottle, if any have been offended that I didn't serve it at that meal, they've never said anything.
Regarding people that are sitting around judging you, don't be friends with those people, whether their judgments upon you are regarding your level of observance or the color of your blouse. Stop worrying about what people that you aren't friends with think of you and you'll be all set. :)
"Stop worrying about what people that you aren't friends with think of you and you'll be all set. :)"
Thanks for the encouragement, Miami Al. A mixed neighborhood would certainly be best for me.
Shira,
Mixed neighborhood, gentile neighborhood, Orthodox Neighborhood, LWMO, RWMO, RW, it won't matter until you stop worrying about what people you don't know think of you.
You could move into a C/LWMO neighborhood, but if spend your time worried about the Centrist or RW Modern Orthodox family thought of you all the time, you'd have the same problem.
You live in a neighborhood WITHOUT an Orthodox presence, yet you are worried about what Orthodox Jews on a blog somewhere would think about your observance of Shiva.
That's my point. Lax in observance, strict in observance, whatever, the point is, if you are going to worry about what other people think all the time, you're going to be miserable with this.
"You live in a neighborhood WITHOUT an Orthodox presence, yet you are worried about what Orthodox Jews on a blog somewhere would think about your observance of Shiva.
. . . . if you are going to worry about what other people think all the time, you're going to be miserable with this."
True. I've been far too concerned about the opinions of others. I have to base my decisions on what *I* think.
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